This post is going to be a little different. I’m going to open up about my struggle with body dismorophia and an eating disorder. I am including a trigger warning for those that might have a hard time reading about these things. I know sometimes talking about these issues can bring me back to dark times.
The first time I had the slightest thought that I might be “too fat” I was in the 8 grade. I had just reached 115 lbs.
I had gone to a family members house. Now this family member was a huge influence in my life and I trusted them very much. The family member (let’s call them A for privacy reasons) looked at me in my school uniform and said “honey you need you stop eating so many sweets you’re starting to look chubby”. I had gone from a girl that was known for being petite, to chubby. She said it like she was telling me the weather forecast, or what she ate for breakfast. No emotion, just facts.
That night my mom cooked supper, I remember I took 10 bites. I counted. I then looked up and said my head hurts and that I wanted to go to bed.
From then on I was self-conscious about food, I stepped on the scale almost every bathroom break. I skipped lunch at school, and threw breakfast away when I walk out the door.
In high school things worsened when I started to date a guy (let’s call him S)
S was one one of those guys who liked to treat you like a princess in public but alone you were worthless. But he didn’t start that way.
He knew early on about my struggle with weight. At first, he gained my trust with compliments, making me feel wonderful about my body. To top it off he was leader in the church and well-known by all the leaders. I thought I had the perfect christian guy. After months of conditioning he had me convinced no one was ever going to treat me as well as he did. I gained weight.
That’s when it started.
“Are you going to to eat that, it’s 1500 calories”
“Wow 2 Donuts? “
” I got you a large t shirt it looked like it would fit”
With every jab I would feel myself hate the way I looked I spent hours in front of the mirror picking out what I needed to improve. I went back to skipping breakfast. Lunch was an apple. For dinner, I would push the food around until everyone left the table, or take my food in my room only to fold the paper plate so the food is hidden and throw it away after my family went to bed. This went on for almost 2 years. No one asked noticed I had gone from 115lbs to 99bs. I was bones.
At my weight of 99lbs S decided he was done. After two years of feeding my body dismorophia, he had enough. I was devastated. I thought did I gain too much weight? Do I need to lose more to be attractive? I was 99lbs. 18 years old, 5 foot 2 inches and 99lbs.
I lost more. I reached my lowest Weight at 97lbs.
I have no idea what it was, but a few months later something clicked. I started eating breakfast. Still, I was careful. I checked my weight and stared in the mirror.
After a while of self reflection and learning to accept my body
I found someone that adored me. He truly thought I was beautiful. He made sure ate, and called me out if I talked about how much I weighed. I gained weight. I didn’t care. Before I knew it I was back at 115lbs. I stopped getting on the scale. The mirror was used for makeup and a quick outfit check before dates. I ate all my meals. I even snacked. I got healthy.
I married that someone. We have two beautiful children and I now weigh 130 lbs. I don’t even care. I have curves, my stomach isn’t flat. I accept my body.
Except on the days I don’t. Because some days I don’t. Sometimes I step on the scale after every meal. Sometimes my meals are a cup of coffee. Sometimes I forget to eat. Sometimes it takes my daughter calling me beautiful to wake me back up. And that’s ok. I take one day at a time and focus on teaching my daughter about body positively. I don’t talk about weight or hating my body. I praise it. So that she praises hers. But I still struggle and eat off the small plates. Recovery isn’t a straight path its all bumpy with twist and turns. Sometimes you need help. Most times you need help. I know I did.
If you are anyone you know is struggling with an eating disorder please call:+1-800-931-2237
Or visit the website here
Below are some photos from my journey.
The photo in the left is 2009, right before my body dismorophia took over. On the right is me on my 16 birthday. I was loosing weight, but slowly, enough for it to be from being active.
The photo on the left is the beginning of the relationship with s. I had gained weight back. I was getting healthy. The photo in the right is the end of the relationship. I was just at 100lbs.
This photo is me three months after my 18th birthday. I had just broken up with S the month before. In this photo I was my lowest weight. 97lbs. I remember being miserable and hating the way I looked. I thought I was too fat for the beach.
The photo on the left is me and my husband during my senior prom I gained weight. I was healthy and happy. On the left is me on my wedding day. Curves and all. 130lbs. I didn’t even think about loosing weight once while getting ready for the wedding. I focused on how happy I was.
I am so incredibly proud of myself.